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Progress?

Sunday, February 15th, 2015

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Today I finished the rag rug for my daughter – just in time really as she is moving out at the end of the week. She’s thrilled with it and I’m happy to be giving her something cheerful and practical – and of course because I used a whole load of old fabrics up in the process.

(Lots of people asked me about finishing off the rug and how I would weave it with the nails at the end of the frame in the way – the answer was a large crochet hook and a bit of perseverence – it was perfectly do-able!).

I realised today that I’ve been so wound up with the issues relating to my mother that I have given daughter moving out hardly any thought at all. She is so eminently sensible and so clearly ready to go – not to mention that she will be living with two boys she has known well for years and it will save her a three hour commute – but truth be told, I shall miss her terribly. She has never been the slightest bother and is positively helpful and good company. I’m sure she will at least come home frequently – to watch Strictly Come Dancing or Call the Midwife if for no other reason – but it is still A BIG THING. Maybe daughter number two being away at school in England makes it seem less of a change because daughter number one will still be in the same country, but I have just realised that she will not be coming home in the holidays unless it is to babysit the cat when we are away….gulp.

There are too many things changing at the moment and it’s making me feel a bit all at sea.

On the mother front it is one step forward and one step back – I’m now (following Lind’s advice) checking out powers of attorney and have realised that although I have one for property and financial affairs I don’t have one for heath and welfare. When I did the first one a couple of years ago it would have been nice if the solicitor had alerted my to the fact that the latter even existed and we could have taken care of that at the same time…oh well, we didn’t and I shall just have to get on with it.

Mother now tells me she wants to look at sheltered accommodation near where she lives. I tell her that this is a home, and that was what she always said she didn’t want, but she seems very swayed by wanting to stay in an area she knows. I am concerned that if she doesn’t have to look after herself at all she will very quickly decline mentally. The other place I looked at (so lovely that I would happily live there myself) would require independent living at least to some extent – which I see as a positive and was what she always wanted, but I’m now wracked with doubts and agree to leave making a downpayment until tomorrow after she has visited the home in question. I honestly think that by tomorrow she will have forgotten all about it and that I should probably just make the necessary decisions and stop giving her any leeway in the matter…

I’m normally a very decisive person, but I’m scared to opt for independent living only to find in 6 months time that she has dementia and have to move her again. Of course the GP whose advice I have sought has not bothered to reply to my email…

I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. God give me strength.

More later

Helen

8 Responses to “Progress?”

  1. CarlaHR Says:

    Helen, I feel for you, so many things going on at the same time. I am sure daughter 1 will do well in her new “digs” and she is sure to come back home on a regular basis.
    I am sure that all of us (your loyal followers) wish we had the magic answer to your dilemna regarding your mother, but each person’s situation is unique. That having been said, I would mention that my much older brother had considered moving into an independent living facility last year but then decided to stay in his house. When I asked him recently if he was still considering this option he said he was glad that he had not made the move at that time as he now feels that it is almost time to move into sheltered accommodation and he would not have wanted to have made two moves. Is there a social worker at the sheltered accommodation who might be able to make an assessment of your mother’s situation?

  2. Lush Says:

    Love the rug. Know the “empty nest” thing. Took me 6 months to get past the weird feeling & move on. Don’t suggest you do what I did though, volunteered as President of the State quilters guild!! (1200 members!! ) LOL
    Not sure if they have the option of a home where it starts as independent then moves on in support as needs require?? They have places like this in Oz but have not taken much notice here in UK. Just a thought but I am sure you have already been there.

  3. ailsa Says:

    Looking after older parents is blooming hard work! I’m looking after my Mum & Dad. Dad is in a care home, he moved in just before Christmas, he has settled quite well although he misses home. I’m having more trouble with Mum. She wanted him to go into the home as she wasn’t coping but now she is missing him like mad. She didn’t think she would as their marriage has always been rather up & down.
    She thinks she wants to move house as she thinks the one she is in is too big. She hasn’t mentioned it in recent weeks which I’m glad about as I don’t think she will actually manage a house move and I certainly don’t want to be doing it for her as my daughter has announced she is pregnant with baby no 2 which will be hard enough work for both of us as I look after my Grandson when she is at work!

  4. Katy Says:

    Daughter may come home more often than you think, just don’t move house! I only say that because my parents did when I was at uni, over 100 miles from my last childhood home and any friends that may have also come home at holidays etc, so now I never visit unless there’s a very specific reason because I know no-one there and don’t have any ties to the area. It’s not that I don’t love them dearly, but they live in Blackpool…

    Good luck with the ongoing housing situation.

  5. Swissrose Says:

    Companionship can make such a huge difference – just having my mum with her made my granny perk up again at 95 and now, at nearly 99, my mum says she’s always better (more with-it) when some of us have visited for a few days. But it’s so difficult – we had hoped to avoid Granny having to leave her home at all, but time is running out for my mum; Granny has been in her house since 1937 (but has thrown stuff away!!)ā€¦ Oh dear, it’s all never easy, what a dilemma šŸ™ Hugs xx

  6. Diane stanley Says:

    I’m going to send you a private email.

  7. Monica Says:

    Hi Helen!!! LOVE how your twined rug came out!!!!! Beautiful colors! My husband made me a loom a couple of years ago and I have made a couple of rugs too. So. Much. Fun. I am really enjoying your blog and photos.

  8. Thimbleanna Says:

    Ahhh Helen. You SO have my sympathies. This taking care of elderly parents isn’t for sissies — it’s SO hard to be making decisions for them — especially when they aren’t on board. I see my parents almost every day. I think the hardest part is that they seem so normal and carry on normal conversations — then they say something and you realize that they are really off in another world. In some cases (like Dad’s) they only slip out once in awhile — in others (like Mom’s) she’s in her own little world all the time. My sister and I have become VERY creative at getting her to do basic things like showering, dressing, etc. — she insists that she does these things on her own and doesn’t need help from anyone. It’s such a delicate balance to let them keep some dignity and still be sure they’re cared for. Good Luck with all of your decisions with your Mom — at least it sounds like she’s open to making some changes that will help.

    As for your rug — it’s beautiful! The colors are so pretty — I know your daughter will love it!